Dad Questions How to Make Up With His Son After Rejecting Him for Coming Out and Marry a Man

I read an advice column by Annie Lane earlier today. In this particular column, a father was looking for advice on how to move forward with his gay son:

Dear Annie: It seems impossible for me to mend my relationship with my son. He is 38, and I am 68. Back when he was 22, he came out of the closet and told us he was gay. It took me nearly two years to accept that, and two years of hardly talking. Finally, I accepted it — with a few years of counseling. My son and I got along for a while. But a few years ago, Ohio passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. To me that was a big no-no, because men don't marry men. I let him know, big-time, that I was against it. But he found someone to officiate the marriage and marry him and his partner. He even got the marriage license. But he didn't get married through a traditional church. 

I told him I would never accept it, and that I hoped his marriage fails. Of course, he didn't like that at all. Even after my counseling and apologizing, and being sorry for my beliefs, still I cannot change how I feel; nor will he change his beliefs. I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree. For two years, he and his husband have wanted nothing to do with me at all! He still talks to his mom and his brother, but only because they want no animosity between them. — Frustrated Dad

To summarize, 22-year-old Son comes out to his family. Dad rejects him. They didn't talk for two years until Dad got over it. A few years later, Son married his boyfriend. Dad rejected the marriage and told Son that he hopes that his marriage ends in ruin. Now Son and Son-In-Law want nothing to do with Dad.

Dear Frustrated Dad: If you want to be part of your son's life, then you're going to have to accept that he's gay. You seem to recognize this fact, and I take it you're still trying to work past your feelings in counseling. I urge you to keep going to counseling and to keep digging within your heart for a way to get past this. He is your son, and life is short. It would be heartbreaking if you two went the rest of yours without ever speaking again.

I agree that Dad needs to keep going to counseling and working on getting past his rejection of his son and his son's husband/marriage. As long as he tries agreeing to disagree about his son's marriage, their relationship will never move forward. He needs to formally welcome his son-in-law into the family, or Dad needs to accept that he no longer has a place within Son's new family.